Fine Matter

#206: I Have Become

Anti-social. By intent or by default, I couldn't tell. These days, I'd rather lock myself in one of the study rooms on campus than walk around and interact with people whom I don't really have genuine connections with. I'd rather go home and watch Oprah. And when people ask me what has happened to me - why I've disappeared, why they haven't seen me for a while, why I seem to be missing in action, sometimes I want to ask back if they're asking out of real interest or out of mere curiosity. Not that I want people fussing over me. In fact, the usual greeting of "Hey, how are you doing" is more confusing to me than comforting. How do you respond to that? How do you pick a non-generic detail in your life and condense that in 2 seconds to fit the time that you are passing each other down the hall. Or do you just pick a generic one and toss it in the air - hence, adding to the pollution of meaninglessness that gets volleyed back and forth, day after day, between strangers who never progress beyond being just that?

I'm supposed to be at a BBQ party right now. The Nth BBQ party for this year. But through the months, I've gotten tired of the small talk that gets exchanged in these gatherings. There's nothing more I want to do right now than ease into a comfortable conversation with real friends who take time to share - both listen and talk about - things that matter. And sometimes, things matter not because they are of great consequence in the larger scheme of life. They matter because they belong to the people that matter. It could be the 11th replay of one's recurring frustration. It could be a stupid email on first names and last names. You know Beast of Beauty and the Beast? What's his last name? Kwit. (Cue to collapse into a helpless pile of giggles.) It could be musings on how best to answer "How are you doing?" Fine. Not fine. A wreck. A miserable wreck. Uh, I meant, fine. Thanks. How are you doing? It could just be babble on the babble that come out of Public Announcement systems (Attention. All liquids, gels and pastes are to be secured in clear, plastic Zip-lock bags.) The key is to have more than flimsy connections underneath it all. To have at least something that can withstand a couple of weeks of absence from campus.

That said, let me go back to the BBQ and try it again.
I'm fine. Just fine.